Gloom all around!

February 16th 2024

9:29 am 

It’s a sort of gloomy morning so far. Yesterday was gray as well, the day before that as well, the day before that as well. 

I feel my body tending to sway more with the weather. My mindset and my drive. The largest window in our room is directly next to our bed, which is pressed into the wall. Ever since I was a child, I have needed to sleep closest to the wall. To feel the mortar comfort. The coolness of the paint as my limbs press against it in sleep. 

So now, when daylight pulls my eyes from their lids, I roll over and up to greet the world. The grayness tempts me back down to the comforter.

I listen, and that is why I am here.

I hope I’ll grow to like the gloom more. It always acts as a sort of omen in my mind; dependent more on my initial motivation for the day. It either comes as a blessing to REST! To lay down and stretch arm after arm after leg after leg across sheets. To feel each muscle cling to comfort and tell itself “today I will let all of it go. Today I will become new.” 

Or, on days like today, it feels like a cruel affirmation for unproductivity. I want to say “I do not like you,” but my tongue is held. There is no stretching now, my muscles feel tense.

But this is not what I want, right? 

Maybe I am thwarted by my own stubbornness. I suppose that is definite! 

Today I will try to defy my own omen. My own predisposition. My own stubbornness. I will turn inward and beg for sun.